THE ONE ON THE OUTSIDE
by Mango Schmango
Summary: Oneshot. Post 7th year on the Hogwarts Express. Amidst his fears of the pervading dark forces of Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew reflects on the golden couple Lily and James, the Marauders and reveals his own envy, insecurities and resentment.


**THE ONE ON THE OUTSIDE**

**Disclaimer: **Everything in the Harry Potter world belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros

**Summary: **One-shot. Post 7th year on the Hogwarts Express. Peter Pettigrew reflects on the golden couple Lily and James, the Marauders and reveals his own envy, insecurities and resentment.

Peter Pettigrew felt sick. As the shiny Hogwarts Express chuffed deftly from Hogwarts for the last time, back to Platform 9 and ¾ and the piercing whistle of the train rang in his ears, it felt as if the bell of Doomsday was sounding. He felt petrified. He could not understand how his friends could be so carefree when they were now finally and irrevocably, moving on from Hogwarts into the adult world where the threat of Voldemort loomed and threatened to consume everyone in darkness. He did not want to remove himself from the comforting barriers of Hogwarts where he was sure to be safe under the eye of Dumbledore.

The cosy compartment in which sat himself, the other three Marauders and Lily Evans, suddenly felt constricting and claustrophobic. He suddenly had an urge to leap out the window and run back to Hogwarts as fast as his chubby body would allow him. Why couldn't he be back in first year? There he would be young, innocent and ignorant…

"Oi Wormtail! What's with the brooding look on your face? It reminds me of dear old Snivellus!" came the loud and boisterous voice of Sirius Black, flicking his graceful black hair out of his handsome aristocratic features with a slight smirk directed at Peter.

Peter blinked and mumbled something incomprehensible under his breath, causing Sirius to give him a disdainful look. Peter braced himself for the inevitable sharp barb that would roll off Sirius' tongue and hit him with devastating force.

"_Sirius_!" exclaimed Lily in a half exasperated and half amused tone, rolling her eyes at him and swatting him on the arm playfully.

Peter immediately relaxed, silently grateful that Lily had diverted Sirius' attention but simultaneously felt burning resentment at why Sirius always treated him like a dolt. He never treated Lily that way. If Peter had remonstrated with Sirius, Sirius would have raised his eyebrow coolly and say something with his famed biting wit. However, with Lily, Sirius always treated her with deference and would exchange teasing banter with her that never had the same mocking undertone that he used for Peter.

Sirius grinned widely, his eyes twinkling. "Good ol' Lily—defender of the downtrodden and social outcasts. Snivellus needs all the defenders he can get."

Lily poked her tongue out at him but was unable to restrain herself from smiling. "You will never leave him alone will you?"

Peter was amazed that Lily had become so close to Sirius, treating him like he was her younger brother. Initially, Lily and Sirius had not got on at all, but after some sort of talk that Peter had not been privy to, the pair of them became friends. Peter was secretly jealous that after James, Lily was the second person Sirius would listen to and respect and how naturally Lily had slotted into their group.

"Nope. I just can't resist that greasy hair of his."

"Merlin, Padfoot—bad imagery," spoke up James Potter with a dramatic shudder. "If I didn't know you better, I would think that you had a soft spot for our odd-ball, lover of the Dark Arts fiend from Slytherin."

Sirius feigned shock and threw his hand theatrically to his head. "Yes Prongs! You have uncovered my repulsive secret! I am so ashamed but I cannot deny it any longer!"

James chuckled and wrapped his arm around Lily, who was sitting in between Sirius and him. James then pressed a kiss to her brilliant red hair, to which Lily smiled contently and leant her head on his shoulder while entwining her left hand with his right.

Resentment coursed through Peter's veins. Why was it James who was blessed with a myriad of things that Peter could never hope to gain? James had the love of a beautiful and passionate woman, the loyalty and respect of his friends, the trust of the Hogwarts teachers as he had been made Head Boy despite being one of the most troublesome mischief makers and the admiration and friendship of the Hogwarts population for his charisma, extraordinary talent in Quidditch and his excelling in all his subjects at school. James had been arrogant and hexed anyone who annoyed him, yet Peter still placed him on a pedestal because he was everything that Peter aspired to be.

James could stand up to the Slytherins without quaking and even on that fateful night in sixth year, ran out to the Whomping Willow to rescue his arch rival Snivellus at the risk of his own life. James had a passion and an intense loyalty to his friends and family that enabled people to overlook his shortcomings, which was what made him so popular at school and made him the unofficial leader of the Marauders. He just had that natural charm that attracted people to his side and inspired great loyalty to him. He had mellowed so much this year that Lily Evans, the girl who had sworn to detest James (despite obvious signs she actually had feelings for him), agreed to go out with him and since then, had become inseparable from him.

"Think how pleased and bashful Snape would be if he knew the depth of your affection for him," said Remus dryly with an amused glint in his hazel eyes.

James muffled a snicker while Sirius chucked a chocolate frog at Remus in retaliation.

Remus, commonly known as Moony, evoked a great feeling of inadequacy in Peter. Despite his 'furry little problem', Remus had a quiet rational mind that the Marauders often relied on and had a subtle dignity that Peter wished he could have. Sirius never said anything cutting to Remus, like he did to Peter and despite making that infamous, idiotic and thoroughly dangerous decision in sixth year, Sirius would cross any boundary to ease Remus' pain during his transformation into a werewolf. Peter yearned to have that self-assurance and charm of James and Sirius or the rational intellect of Remus but he did not. Peter attempted to quash the self-disgust that rose in his throat. He was just the simple one of the group who could not assert himself in any situation. Sirius mocked him whenever he complimented James or expressed his awe and Peter would always flush a deep red and be rendered unable to utter a witty comeback that seemed to come so naturally from Sirius and James.

"I think Snape would hex you into the next alternate universe if you ever told him that," said Lily.

"Not before I transfigure him into a slug and condemn him to a life of roaming the dirt for eternity," shot back Sirius, his grey eyes gleaming with a mixture of mischief and malice.

James guffawed. "Then you would be sent to Azkaban, Padfoot. Snivellus would then be a very happy man—or slug, should I say?"

"You two are horrible," remarked Remus, though he was fighting back a grin. "What are your plans for the holidays?"

Peter was almost gob smacked that his friends were so lightweight about Snape, Azkaban and their futures. Didn't they feel the same numbing dread that slowly crept up his spine and infiltrated his heart, making him wake up in the night bathed in a thick sheen of sweat?

"I'm redecorating my flat," announced Sirius. "Mrs. Potter has offered some ideas but I don't want any women's touches to my bachelor pad. It is going to be a real man's flat."

James snickered. "Good luck then Padfoot. Knowing your housekeeping abilities, your flat is going to be littered with Firewhisky bottles and flying-motorcycle magazines. I think you are going to regret not taking up my mum's offer."

Sirius put on a mock expression of hurt. "Merlin Prongs, I am devastated at your lack of faith in my abilities. I think I should just jump out the window of this train right now."

"Good! You'll save us all the trouble!" replied James cheekily, earning himself a cuff on the head from Sirius.

Remus rolled his eyes. "It is hard to believe these two prats are actually seventh years, let alone one of them being the Head Boy." Remus turned his gaze towards Peter. "What do you think, Wormtail? Am I alone in this assessment of those two prats?"

Peter managed a weak smile. "No you're not. I completely agree with you."

"Oi! We thoroughly object to that observation!" came the muffled voice of Sirius as James held him in a tight head lock.

"We are two loveable, charming and witty prats!" added James, ruffling his hair deliberately.

Lily wrinkled her nose. "You've got to be joking! Yuck!"

"Well, I've certainly had no complaints from you," replied James with twinkling eyes. Lily stuck out her tongue childishly though her skin flushed a pink colour.

Peter no longer suppress his thoughts and he blurted out, "Do you guys ever think of You-Know-Who and w-w-what he would do all of us o-once we left school?"

There was a deathly silence for a moment. The carefree atmosphere immediately evaporated, like air from a balloon. Chatter and laughter from other carriages filtered in but it seemed to Peter as if he was in another alternate universe.

"His name is _Voldemort_, Wormtail," came the hard voice of James, his face no longer jocular. "Do not call him You-Know-Who because fear enhances his power."

Peter almost shrank under the intense gazes of his four friends but the force of his own feelings kept him upright.

Sirius, however, was not as polite as James and cut off Peter, glaring at him. "What the hell do you mean to bring up a subject like that? It is our last day for Merlin's sakes! Trust you to dampen the celebratory mood!"

"_Padfoot_," James said in a warning tone, placing a hand on his arm.

"Wormtail," said Remus calmly. "No one has forgotten the threat of Voldemort. This is our last day of seventh year at Hogwarts and none of us want any dark thoughts to taint our memories of school. You cannot allow him to occupy your thoughts and make you into a fearful mess, which as Prongs so rightly pointed out, only gives him more power and sway over us."

Peter clenched his fists. "How can you all be so casual and calm about _him_? He is—"

"Peter!" Lily exclaimed, her green eyes piercing. "None of us have forgotten—how can we! Sirius' family is heavily involved in the Dark Arts, James' parents are Aurors, Remus was—well he was bitten by an animal bent on destruction and mayhem and my parents—_my parents_ were _killed_ by Voldemort!" Lily's hands were shaking and her eyes were filled with the raw emotions of unresolved grief and anger as her parents were only murdered two months ago.

Peter drew back, colour rapidly seeping off his face. "I-I-I—"

"Stop talking while you're ahead!" Sirius said harshly. "You've already given Lily enough grief for one day!"

Lily appeared pale and her eyes were suspiciously wet. "I need to get some air," she said in a restrained voice.

James immediately jumped up. "I'll come with you," he said softly, slipping his hand into hers while simultaneously shooting Peter a look that would have cowed ten wizards. The couple left the compartment, leaving Peter to face the furious face of Sirius and the impassive gaze of Remus.

Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Remus gave him a hard look which silenced him.

Peter clasped his sweaty hands together. "I didn't mean to upset Lily…I'm just so afraid—I—I have nightmares most nights now and I hate the night now because I keep imagining that a Death Eater is hiding in the dark corners of the castle…my room…my own house even! I just can't stand it anymore and—I feel as if I am going slowly insane…I know I am not fearless like you all, but I wish you would give me some sympathy and not look at me as if I some pathetic little rat! I don't have the same confidence in my own abilities like you all do and—" Peter broke off, no longer able to speak as he felt a lump build up in his own throat. He blinked back tears furiously and looked down at his hands.

"Wormtail…all of us feel fear. Not one of us are immune to it—Prongs, Padfoot, Lily, _me_…but we all remember how much we have to lose if we give into him. We all look at the people we love and care about which gives us the strength to stand tall and defy the shadows which threaten to consume us. I know more than any of you of what it is like to be threatened by the darkness with my monthly…_changes_, but my friendships with you all have given me hope and strength to fight both the monster within me and the monster out in the wizarding world who seeks to dominate us all," Remus said intensely, never looking away from Peter as he spoke to him.

Peter dared to glance at Sirius. Sirius no longer seemed angry. Instead, he now he regarded Peter with a mixture of pity and sympathy. It was the pity that really irked Peter as it made him feel that he a little child, an idiot, who needed to have his hand held and be given a sweet to comfort him.

Sirius sighed. "Wormtail…"

"Don't bother," interrupted Peter dully. "I need a walk," and he got up and walked out of the compartment door.

"Wormtail!" Sirius called out again and Peter heard Remus murmur that Peter needed space and he would be calm when he came back. Peter almost snorted and kicked a stray sweet wrapper in barely restrained frustration.

He slowly trod down the corridor of the train to the little lookout at the back of the Hogwarts Express. However, the sound of low murmurs stopped him and he pressed himself behind the small alcove that led out to the look out. He saw the figures of James and Lily standing by the railing on the lookout with the wind whipping their faces. Lily's red hair looked like a firestorm as it blew in crazy directions in the wind.

Peter crept closer, praying that the couple wouldn't spot him. The entrance to the lookout was ajar and Peter had to wrap his robes around him in order to prevent them from flowing around but it enabled him to eavesdrop on the couple's private conversation.

"…he can be an ass sometimes, that is granted, but I know that he did not mean to upset you even though I wanted to hex him myself for his insensitivity," said James, leaning lazily against the railing. Peter ground his teeth at being called an 'ass'.

Lily sighed. "I just wish he hadn't brought up any of that _today_ of all times. It's bad enough that my parents aren't going to be at Platform 9 and ¾ and I don't need him to remind me of the fact…I wanted to be in blissful oblivion," she let out a sardonic laugh. "That wish was immediately destroyed."

Peter flushed with indignation at her remark.

"Hey," James said softly. "Come here."

Lily obeyed reluctantly and stepped into the warm confines of his embrace, resting her head under his chin. Peter felt a pang of envy. Why couldn't he have a woman that looked at him with such love as Prongs had with Lily? Peter had gone out with a couple of girls at Hogwarts, but none of them had lasted past a couple of dates—if one could call them dates. Peter remembered he had been always nervous, fumbly and did not exude much charm or sustain intelligent conversation or sometimes, what was even more galling, was that some girls had only agreed to go on a trip to Hogsmeade with him in order to get closer to Sirius or James.

"I know this pain is never going to go away but you will never be alone—ever…I will make sure of it—no matter what happens," said James in a determined voice.

"_James_," breathed Lily. "You are—you..."

James stroked her cheeks as she gazed up at him, her emerald eyes glittering with a myriad of emotions. "I am far from perfect—an arrogant toe-rag—but I just want to do everything in my power to ensure your happiness…"

Lily let out a choked laugh. "You stupid prat! Just having you by me just makes me feel so…" Her voice dropped to a low, caressing murmur. "You have been my bulwark, the one constant thing I can look to when all else is sliding into complete disarray…_I love you_."

James' eyes widened along with Peter's. James' hazel eyes filled with a dazed combination of love and warmth. "By Merlin! Lily—I—"

Lily pulled his head down to hers, and engulfed his lips with her own, sliding her hands into his hair. Peter watched with perverse fascination and a pang of jealousy at the obvious love and passion between the couple and wished his own life was just as rich and plentiful as the two lovers in front of him.

James hands avidly enfolded her, running them up and down her back and then delving them into her blowing halo of red hair. Lily pressed her body against his and Peter heard James let out a muffled groan against her deliciously red lips. The two broke apart, gasping for air and leaned their foreheads together, both smiling giddily at each other with smitten gazes.

Peter felt an acute sense of loneliness slice through his own gut and knew he should get away before he was spotted but found he could not tear himself away. His own starved soul was practically gorging on the happiness in front of him, gaining sustenance.

Puzzlement crossed Peter's features as he observed James step away from Lily and pull out his wand. James muttered an incantation that Peter could not make-out and pointed it at the Hogwarts flag that blowing proudly in the wind. Peter watched with awe as the flag burst into a dozen rainbow-coloured birds with glitter falling from their wings. They flew wildly, in a kaleidoscope of colours, into the bright blue sky, glitter showering the couple.

Peter felt almost euphoric at the sight in front of him. He smiled for the first time that day and knew now that he would allow nothing else to mar this day of celebration. He forgot Voldemort, his nightmares and his fears as he spied Lily laughing delightedly and clapping her hands in excitement. James flung his arms into the air, the sun shining on his face. He grinned ecstatically and lifted Lily into his arms, twirling her around and around while simultaneously kissing her, the glitter falling on them.

**Please review and tell me what you think! **

**Author's Note: I just thought it would be interesting to explore Peter and his relationships with the Marauders and Lily and to show one moment where he was not fearful. It would be really good if I could get some feedback on what you thought of Peter's portrayal (and of the other characters if you like!) Thanks heaps! **

**Mango Shmango xoxo**


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